Rules for Life

Fee, Fly, Fo, Fum

Dear Kid,

There’s a fly in the house.

And it seems to have adopted me.

No matter which room I’m in, there it is, following me around like a happy little puppy, buzzing and smacking into windows.

Have you ever noticed that flies have an amazing ability to land exactly 13½ inches higher than you can reach? They do this on purpose so that even with a magazine you have no chance whatsoever of swatting them.

God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why. Ogden Nash. DearKidLoveMom.comFACT: Flies only have two wings (most flying insects have four).

This causes an inferiority complex that makes them feel the need to buzz. Loudly. Some bugs are sneaky, subtle little things (for the record, I don’t like them either). Flies Make Their Presence Known.

Buzz, yourself, fly.

Flies are disgusting. Not only do they violate the Any More Than Four Legs is Utterly Unnecessary Rule, they are truly some of the yuckiest animals on the planet.

FACT: They can only eat liquids but they can turn many solid foods into a liquid by spitting or vomiting on it.


FACT: House flies tend to stay within 1-2 miles of where they were born but will travel up to 20 miles to find food.

Why this particular one has chosen our house is a mystery, since I firmly believe there are better cooks and worse housekeepers (although probably not many) within 2 miles.

FACT: Flies are the helicopters of the insect world. They can fly up, down, side to side, and backwards.

This makes them very good at evasive maneuvers. See “magazine” above.

FACT: This one does not have an invitation to be inside and had best buzz its noisy little self outside where it can be eaten by a bird.

Too late. Now I have fly-smoosh on my magazine. But at least it’s quiet in here.

Love, Mom

Read More

Rabbits and Rubber Bands

Dear Kid,

Once again, the proper authorities have failed to consult me.

You know how rabbits are generally considered to be the best symbol of fertility and reproductive efficiency?

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Rabbits are quite prolific little dudes. But they are nothing compared to rubber bands.

Rubber bands in the wild. DearKidLoveMom.comTo prove this, I voyaged into the wilds of our kitchen drawers to view the rubber bands in their natural environment.

Like most infestations, they’d wormed their way into some of the deepest, darkest corners and underneath all sorts of useful objects.

When I told Daddy I was going to declare open season on the R. B.s, he was not impressed. “We don’t have that many,” he told me.

I donned protective gear, left word with the station manager as to my coordinates, and dove in.

I scooped up a pile of rubber bands and put them on the counter.

“See?” said Daddy, “it’s not that many.”

“It’s an entire handful. More importantly, it’s just the first handful.”

I took a deep breath and dove back down to retrieve more.

And more.

And more. And more.

By the time we’d finally found most of the varmints who’d taken up residency in the kitchen, the pile was six or seven feet tall. And it was growing as we watched. Clearly, rubber bands have no need for privacy.

I pinned Dad with a Stare. A severe Stare. A Stare meant to convey the enormity of the rubber band problem.

“Whaaaat?” was his comment.

“Deal with it,” was mine.

I’m still waiting. Which worries me since (according to my calculations) the rubber bands will have taken control of our entire living space by next Tuesday.

Love, Mom

Read More

10 Emjois We Absolutely Have to Have

Dear Kid,

Did you know there’s a committee that reviews new emojis? I had no idea they required approval, but it turns out they do.

So Committee for Reviewing Appropriate Pics (yes, I made it up, but it’s a great acronym—take a moment to figure it out) meets and thinks about which emojis the world cannot, simply cannot, live without.

What emojis are they considering? The almond. Half a coconut. A pie.

And it gets better. A mermaid. A climber. A person meditating. And a woman breastfeeding.

Emojis being considered. Seriously? Who needs a half coconut emoji? These ideas are clearly better.

Emojis being considered. Seriously? Who needs a half coconut emoji?

“Emoji” means pictograph and has nothing to do with the word “emotion” which is good because almonds are not known for being emotional.

Seems to me the committee could use some guidance (seriously, who needs a half coconut emoji?). So, being the kind of mom I am, I have put together a list of suggested emojis which will clearly improve the world as we know it.

  1. Attacking Squirrel – This is a picture of a squirrel that has (somehow) made its way to the birdfeeder and has caused someone (like your father) to go into a paroxysm of the explosive and squirrel-defying nature. Two in a row mean “call an ambulance.”
  2. Empty Coffee Cup – Related to the sad emoji, this is a warning symbol to let everyone know that someone’s caffeine intake has been insufficient and they can choose to argue at their own risk.
  3. Shoe Sale – A type of call to arms (for shoppers) mixed with a warning to Get The Heck Off The Interstate If You Aren’t Going Shoe Shopping.
  4. Burned Dinner Warning – In the shape of a pizza or other takeout.
  5. Explosive Diaper – Related to rock-scissor-paper-lizard-Spock (extra points if you get the reference), this is a game for new parents when the baby has been overly enthusiastic about using his or her diaper.
  6. Sink Full of Dishes – Easily interpreted as “I cooked; you clean.”
  7. Broken Telephone – Signaling telemarketers and election pollsters.
  8. Disastrous Breakup – Clear communication that the receiver’s job is to agree with everything the sender says no matter how ridiculous or contradictory. And to bring ice cream (don’t bother with bowls).
  9. Smudged Nail Polish – Meaning, I’m about to polish my nails so expect a lot of misspellings because not messing up the polish is more important than grammar. Can also mean, someone just caused me to smudge my polish and I am obviously therefore about to commit murder.
  10. Whoop Joyous – The election is over. Let the post-election nonsense begin. Also a signal to late-night comedians that they will actually have to work to find something to talk about.

Seriously, I do not understand why more people don’t consult me about such things.

Love, Mom

Read More

Five Ways to Tell Your Sweetie Still Loves You

Dear Kid,

Five Ways to Tell Your Sweetie Still Loves You DearKidLoveMom.comFive ways to tell your Sweetie loves you.

5. When you seriously oversleep on a weekday, he calmly agrees to walk the Puppy even though it’s your job.

4. He’s learned to say “nice shoes” even though he has no idea why he’s saying it.

3. He only rolls his eyes a little when you buy a new bird feeder and throw out the horrible “perfectly fine” old one.

2. He comes home between events just to give you a kiss on the forehead.

1. On a Saturday morning, he lets you sleep in even though you’d talked about going someplace together and then—the man who requires a banana every morning with his breakfast—leaves you half of the last banana.

The husband-person is a good man.

Love, Mom

Read More

The London Beer Flood (Really)

Dear Kid,

IF you had been alive and aware on Oct 17, 1814, and IF you happened to have found yourself in England, and IF by chance you were wandering around London (more specifically the parish of St. Giles), you might have witnessed the London Beer Flood. I kid you not.

You can never buy beer, you just rent it. -- Archie Bunker, DearKidLoveMom.comOn October 17, 1814, an enormous (and by enormous I mean 610,000 liters) vat full of beer broke. This in and of itself would have been sad and tragic. However, in the tradition of beer-related chain reaction events, other vats collapsed under the onslaught of beer and breakage, and almost a million and a half liters (1,470,000 liters to be more specific) burst their containers and erupted into the surrounding area.

The alcoholic tsunami wiped away two homes, washed out the wall of the Tavistock Arms Pub, swamped several streets, filled several basements and first floor rooms, interrupted a wake, and then set up a fuss because the international media didn’t interrupt coverage of the events of the day to set up 24 hour reports.

Rock and Roll artists didn’t even hold a fundraiser for the beer-diseased and displaced. All in all, the tsunami thought it was severely underrepresented.

Eight people died in the flood (none of them were college students who would have known how to drink their way out of beer-flooded environments).

A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure.-- Czech Proverb, DearKidLoveMom.comThe brewery was sued over the accident, but the judge and jury (who were plied heavily with the product in question) remained sober just long enough to rule the disaster an Act of God. God never weighed in on the decision, but hinted strongly in tabloids that there was human corruption and neglect involved. Since it was 1814, and since this was a really poor part of town, no one looked into the incident to carefully until recently when the beer tsunami memoires surfaced and we learned just how upset a tsunami can be.

Love, Mom

Read More

It’s Really Fall

Dear Kid,

Today is brought to you by the letter “Fall.” (Extra points if you get the reference.)

I’m pretty sure fall has well and truly arrived. The air is cooler (if not quite crisp), the leaves are falling (we’re overlooking the part where they start falling in our backyard around July 7th), and the newspaper can’t decide whether to devote more space to the election campaign or pumpkin recipes.

The peace of an early morning in fall DearKidLoveMom.comMust be fall.

I love fall.

I love the temperature. I love being able to sit outside without handwarmers and a parka and enjoy a hot cup of coffee without wishing for air conditioning.

I love wearing a light jacket to work in the morning (of course, then it’s warm enough in the evening that I don’t need it and I forget to bring it home so I end up with a ridiculous number of jackets on the back of my chair and freeze on the way in to the office—but that’s not the story I’m telling).

I love being able to wear fashion boots because it’s cool enough for boots but nice enough not to have to drag out the “purely functional” footwear.

Have you notice that some things seem to “wake up” in the fall? Not just the football fans who’ve been hibernating for the past few seasons. The Puppy seems to wake up this time of year. It’s fun to bound around outside in the fall. (It’s not nearly as much fun to go inside and we’ve had to have a few stern conversations about that—but that’s not the story I’m telling.)

I love the colors of fall. I love the colors of fall clothes with their muted palates that offer a warm hug. I love the vibrant reds and yellows and purples of the changing leaves. (In our yard, most of the colors go directly from dingy green to dead brown—but that’s not the story I’m telling.)

I love the tastes and smells of fall. The turning inward of the season. The pumpkin and spice and cinnamon that seem to breathe “it’s fall.” The slow cooking squashes and stews and breads that promise richness and fullness (and thousands of calories—but that’s not the story I’m telling).

I love fall.

Especially the edited version.

Love, Mom

P.S. Yes, there was a DearKidLoveMom yesterday, but somehow it didn’t email out the way it’s supposed to. Click here if you missed it.

P.P.S. You can sign up to have DearKidLoveMom delivered to you each most mornings. Just enter your email in the box near the top of the post.

Read More


Can't remember to check for new posts? No prob. I'll send it to you.

Online Marketing

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

Blog Directory
%d bloggers like this: