Rules for Life

Introducing Today’s Goal: Making 2017 a good year one day at a time

Dear Kid,

Today's Goal: Making 2017 a good year one day at a time. DearKidLoveMom.comYou may recall that we were all (and by “all” I mean all mammals—I don’t interact with the insect world if I can avoid it so I don’t really know how they feel about things) ready for 2016 to be done and over with.

On a whim, I decided that while we (and by “we” I mean me and the people I know well) can’t really impact world peace, global warming, or bad hair days, we can impact our own corner of the world. At least a little.

So I started posting ideas for making 2017 a better place. Little ideas. Highly achievable goals. Mostly goals that only took a moment or two and little or no money.

Three things happened (there are always three):

First, my good friends wondered where my Snark had gone. Not to worry; it’s alive and well and purring contentedly right next to me.

Second, people started enjoying, complimenting, and requesting more of these little goals. And I love a good audience!

And third, the Universe became a nicer place. We didn’t cure cancer or figure out how to prevent paper cuts, but there seem to be more smiles. More …. Nice.

(Making 2017 a good year one day at a time)

So I’ve created a DearKidLoveMom.com page for Today’s Goal: Making 2017 a good year one day at a time. I can’t promise it will always be up to date (if you want the daily “goal” update, follow me on Twitter or FB) but you can always check the page to see any “goals” you missed.

Love, Mom

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Stop! Right Now! You Don’t Want Your Mother to Get The Wrong Idea!

Dear Kid,

Stop! Put down the phone!

More importantly, put down your thumbs.

Do not text your mother. She might get the idea you're communicating. DearKidLoveMom.comDo not text your mother.

Do not call, Tweet, send a Facebook message, or email.

Do not send a carrier pigeon or smoke signals.

Your mother might get the idea you’re communicating.

When asked a direct question, respond in monosyllables. Even better, respond in emojis. Do not use words. And for heaven’s sake, do not expand on your answer.

Your mother might think you’re communicating.

Do not offer to start a conversation (unless it involves asking for money). Do not give the impression you are open to continuing a conversation (unless it involves asking for money).

Your mother might suspect you’re communicating.

Do not provide details, no matter how meaningless, even when asked. Be vague. Feign ignorance. Use IDK and TBD liberally.

Otherwise, your mother might interpret your actions as communication.

Do not provide information about classes, professors, students, teaching assistants, tutors, or study groups. Do not acknowledge that you have roommates, suite mates, study mates, or mates. Do not provide clues about how you spend your time. Do not comment on the weather. Reply to all inquiries with “It’s fine.”

Otherwise, you might actually be communicating.

Love, Mom

 

 

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Hair Today

Dear Kid,

It is Talking About Hair Day. It isn’t really, but (just like every other day) part of getting ready to face the world involves fluffing our folliculars.

As we go about fixing the fur, tending the tresses, managing the mane, I thought some tonsorial factoids might be in order.

Seriously, you know NOTHING about hair. I am an expert. DearKidLoveMom.comPut down your brush, and pay attention.

Hair grows approximately ¼ to ½ an inch a month. Unless it’s growing in an unwanted area in which case it grows approximately ½ foot per day.

A wet strand of healthy hair can stretch to 30% more than its original length.  When it gets to 31%, it will snap like a brittle twig and ruin your ‘do.

Hair can tell a lot of tales. It can tell a forensic scientist where you’ve been, what you’ve eaten, who you murdered, and how you feel about puppies. It can tell a suspicious spouse that someone has been in close contact with your jacket.

The scientific term for split ends is “trichoptilosis.” No one cares.

Hair is 50 percent carbon, 21 percent oxygen, 17 percent nitrogen, 6 percent hydrogen, 5 percent sulphur, and 70% tangles.

A single hair has a lifespan of about 5 years. Unless you’re LL Cool J or Michael Simon.

Hair grows fastest when you’ve gotten a cut you really like. It grows slowest when you’re trying to grow it out. 3 inches. Before your blind date Saturday night.

Love, Mom

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5 Facts About College Kids and an Important Reminder

Dear Kid,

I had a few not-so-good minutes yesterday. Not hideously CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT bad, but bittersweet.

And it’s your fault.

I got up (relatively early for a Sunday with no scheduled plans). As I sat thawing (after walking the Puppy in sub-temperature degrees) and drinking my coffee (duh) I thought, “I wonder what time the Kid will wake up today.”

And then I realized that A) I was right that you were probably still sleeping and B) I was right that you would wake up at some point later in the morning but C) you were not going to come downstairs, fuzzle-headed, to join me for breakfast.

Some of us get over the excitement more quickly than others...DearKidLoveMom.comBecause you’re no longer here. You’re back at school. Which is exactly where you belong.

But….

Fact: It is possible for parents to spoil their kids.

Fact: It is possible for kids to spoil their parents.

Fact: It is possible for kids to spoil their parents just by being home for a while.

Fact: It takes a while for us all to settle back into our “regular” roles.

Fact: It was wonderful having you home.

Reminder: Texts are wonderful, but it’s OK with Verizon if you occasionally use the phone to call and speak with us.

Have a great semester, kiddo.

Love, Mom

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Death By Elephant and Why James Bond Is Important

Dear Kid,

Holy Moley, was I wrong.

Happy Elephant Appreciation Day! Take a moment to appreciate your favorite elephant. DearKidLoveMom.comI thought I had it all figured out.

Having put several seconds of thought together, I decided I knew how I want to die. (No, this is not morbid.)

I decided I want to be 92 and get stepped on by an elephant. Squish. Done. No lingering moments or tubes. And the idea that I’ll be spry enough to be somewhere where a rogue elephant could step on me appeals immensely.

So I got talking to some people about it (at first they thought it was morbid too, but they soon got the point). And someone innocently suggested that I should research death by elephant to see if an elephant has ever stepped on someone to kill them.

Hilarious, I thought. Great topic. Wonderful. Amusing. Adorable even.

Not.

It turns out that execution by elephant was a thing. Particularly in India where (and I quote) “Asian elephants were used to crush, dismember, or torture captives in public executions.” That. Is. Awful.

Elephants are highly trainable, and they were taught both to kill people instantly or to torture them slowly over a long period of time. These trained pachyderms signified (again, I quote) “the ruler’s absolute power and his ability to control wild animals.” Disgusting.

I can’t tell you more about this because this is a horrible, awful way to treat animals. And people.

What I had in mind was much more of the Disney version. Wait, some of their stuff with elephants is pretty ugly too.

What I had in mind was much more of the James Bond version (the old movies). No blood. Nothing horrible. Just me being spry and lively and accidentally stepping under a heffalumps hoof. Maybe while the elephant was tap dancing or something.

In any case, I hereby apologize to all elephants. I will go think about other things.

Love, Mom

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Alternatives for Football to Think About

Dear Kid,

We’ve made it (mostly) through College Bowl Game Season.

Which is no small task when you think about the incredible number of games and the difficulty we mere mortals have in keeping track of everything.

I get that you know which game is which and what players are where and which teams are facing which teams. I’m more of the “hey, look! Football on TV!” kind of gal.

I was never good at keeping track of who was where. But now that they’ve changed all the names (The Joe’s Pizza Bowl—wait, what?) I’m not always even sure if it’s real or made up.

Football teams probably wouldn’t appreciate the swag if the games were sponsored by shoe & Makeup companies. DearKidLoveMom.comPersonally, I think they should re-think the sponsorship thing. I’m sure die-hard fans are going to follow the playoffs no matter what they call it. And those of us who don’t really follow might be a bit more interested if we found out that there was a DSW Bowl and an (Easy Breezy Beautiful) Cover Girl Bowl.

Then again, maybe not. We kinda know better and the teams probably wouldn’t appreciate the swag.

Raspberry suede peeky toe boots? Size 7 with 4 inch heels? Fabulous! Not.

Oh, well.

Fortunately, I have you to make sure I know what’s going on. Thankful for your footnotes. (Get it? Shoes? Footnotes? Sigh.)

Love, Mom

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