Puppy Conversations | The Potty Episode

Dear Kid,

Puppy: You’re weird.
Me: Um, thank you? Why do you say that?
Puppy: You always pee in the same place.
Me: The bathroom, yes.
Puppy: And you don’t sniff before you pee.
Me: True.
Puppy: I take my time.
Me: You do.
Puppy: I sniff around, I think about where to pee.
Me: You do.
Puppy: And I pee in different places.
Me: Yes, that’s true too.
Puppy: You’re weird.

Puppy Conversations DearKidLoveMom.com

Puppy: You picked up my poop.
Me: Yes.
Puppy: You always pick up my poop.
Me: Yes, of course.
Puppy: Because you love my poop.
Me: Well, I love you.
Puppy: And so we should–Hey! You have someone’s poop in that bag!
Me: I, um, yes.
Puppy: It smells very interesting.
Me: It’s your poop.
Puppy: Don’t be ridiculous.


Puppy: Yip!
Me: What’s the matter?
Puppy: I was attacked! Who attacked me?
Me: No one attacked you.
Puppy: Don’t be silly. I felt it.
Me: That was you, snookie.
Puppy: I attacked me? I wouldn’t attack me. I LIKE me.
Me: You farted.
Puppy: I would never.
Me: You did.
Puppy: I was attacked.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Gets Upset with The State of Things and Other Problems

Dear Kid,

Mom went upstairs for a bit and I’ve taken over the computer.

Puppy Gets Upset with The State of Things and Other Problems DearKidLoveMom.comWe have A Problem and I think you need to get involved.

Are you paying attention? Because this is a Big Issue. I’ve tried my best to solve it, but I am only a puppy and I don’t seem to be able to convince her We Have Problems.

Earlier today, People walked by in the street. I barked and barked and all Mom said was, “Shhh.” She didn’t investigate, she didn’t call the police, she didn’t Do Anything.

Then there was a chipmunk in the garage. I sniffed and snorted and pointed and showed her exactly were the rodent hiding spaces are and do you know what she said? Do you know? She said (and I’m quoting her exactly here), “Into the house with you.” Into the house with me? Without addressing the interloper issues?

This is—in my expert opinion—irresponsible house ownership. Something must be done. The keys must be taken. The authorities must be alerted! We cannot have Strangers Walking By without sufficient alarm systems. We cannot have animals living here that don’t pay rent.

(Pi: You don’t pay rent.
(Puppy: I don’t?
(Pi: Nope.)

We cannot have animals living here that don’t have a collar and their own crate!

Please fix this Situation!

She’s your mother.

Love, Puppy

Puppy Writes Today’s Letter While Mom Sleeps

Puppy Writes Today’s Blog

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5 Reasons to Love a Small Dog

Dear Kid,

Don’t read this letter to the Puppy!

At the Paws in the Park event this past weekend, there were—spoiler alert—a lot of dogs. There were dogs of pretty much every variety, every color (except purple), and many temperaments.

In terms of size, they ranged from “horse” to “does anyone have a magnifying glass?” There were two of the tiniest Chihuahuas I’ve ever seen, and they were spot-on adorable.

When I got home, I told Dad I thought I wanted to adopt a Chihuahua. Dad thought that was an excellent idea as long as I didn’t want to be married anymore.

So it looks like I’m not going get to a teacup-sized puppy.

5 Reasons to Love a Small Dog. DearKidLoveMom.comBut here are 5 Reasons to Love a Small Dog.

  1. They eat less. The smaller the dog, the smaller the food bill. Economical!
  2. They poop less. Less in, less out. We call this digestive mathematics.
  3. They have no idea they’re small. Little dudes tend to have big-big-big personalities and little to no fear.
  4. They can’t reach the counter. No need to worry about what’s sitting out on the kitchen island because teeny legs can’t get them up that high.
  5. You can carry them around easily. No matter how strong you are, it’s not easy to carry a Newfoundland around all day.

So basically, little dogs are kind of like smaller than average people. Bright, entertaining, and in need of step stools.

Love, Mom

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Happy National Cookie Month (And…)

Dear Kid,

Some things are easy to remember about October. The leaves start to turn; ghosts, goblins, and ridiculous amounts of chocolate show up at the end of the month; and it’s Adopt a Shelter Dog Month. You remember Adopt a Shelter Dog month, right?

But did you know that it’s also National Cookie Month?

It is.

C is for cookie. Happy National Cookie Month. DearKidLoveMom.com

       C is for Cookie!

I called Cookie Monster to get his perspective on National Cookie Month. Unfortunately, his fur was flat and he was feeling blue (see what I did there?) so he wouldn’t talk to me. I think it was because I hadn’t sent him cookies.

Poor Cookie.

There are lots and lots of different kinds of cookies. There are rolled cookies and bar cookies and baked cookies and fried cookies and pressed cookies and molded cookies and sandwich cookies and twice baked cookies and dog cookies (just wanted to see if you were still reading).

Puppy: Do NOT joke about dog cookies!

I tried to think about all the different ingredients that can go into cookies. Then I got a headache and decided to think about whether there were any ingredients that can’t go into cookies.

Life is a cookie. Happy National Cookie Month. DearKidLoveMom.com Well, duh.

Kale. Kale should never, ever, EVER be put into a cookie.

Bats. Bats do not go in cookies. Not even Halloween cookies.

So yes, there are ingredients that should never go into cookies.

But most ingredients can happily find their way into one form of cookie or another.

Life is a cookie. Happy National Cookie Month. DearKidLoveMom.com My favorite kind of cookie?

That’s easy.

The one that someone brings me so I don’t even have to get up. Preferably with a hot cup of coffee. Or tea. I’m flexible like that when cookies are involved.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Puppy Visits Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Kid,

Puppy Conversations. DearKidLoveMom.com/PuppyConversationsPuppy: Grandpa! It was horrible!
Grandpa: Oh, dear. Would you like to tell me about it?
Puppy: Of course. That’s why I’m sitting in your lap.
Grandpa: What happened?
Puppy: First there was a bath.
Grandpa: And you don’t like baths.
Puppy: I was very, very wet.
Grandpa: Would you like to know a secret?
Puppy: What?
Grandpa: I took a shower today too.
Puppy: Mommy put you in the sink?!
Grandpa: Not exactly.


Puppy: Grandma! I came to visit you!
Grandma: I’m so glad you’re here.
Puppy: Where are the treats?
Grandma: Treats?
Puppy: Grandmas are supposed to have treats.
Grandma: You’ll have to talk to your Mommy about that.
Puppy: What?! This is very disappointing.
Grandma: Sorry to disappoint you.
Puppy: It would be less disappointing if you scratch. Right. There.


Puppy: There was peanut butter this morning.
Grandpa: I thought you like peanut butter.
Puppy: I LOVE peanut butter.
Grandpa: I think I’m missing something.
Puppy: There was medicine in the peanut butter.
Grandpa: Did you take your medicine?
Puppy: Well, it was peanut butter.
Grandpa: You’re a good boy.


Puppy: Then we went for a ride in the car.
Grandpa: You like the car.
Puppy: And it was a really, really long drive.
Grandpa: But you like to be in the car.
Puppy: At first there wasn’t any sleep in the car.
Grandpa: Did you want to sleep?
Puppy: I had a very important job looking out the window.
Grandpa: And then what happened?
Puppy: I slept.
Grandpa: Is that bad?
Puppy: I don’t know. I was asleep.
Grandpa: And now you’re here.
Puppy: I like that part.
Grandpa: And we like having you here.
Puppy: Will you scratch my tummy?
Grandpa: I think we can arrange that.
Puppy: Happy me.

Me: Come on, Puppy, time to go home.
Puppy: What? This is terrible.
Grandpa: But you like home.
Puppy: But now I like here.
Grandma: Maybe you’ll come to visit again sometime.
Puppy: But I don’t want to leave you. I just got used to being here.
Grandpa: What if you tell us all about the trip when you get home.
Puppy: I can do that?
Grandma: Certainly. We love to hear about your adventures.
Puppy: That might be OK.
Me: Into the car, please.
Puppy: I have a job.
Me: You do?
Puppy: To tell Grandma and Grandpa all about our trip.
Me: That sounds very important.
Dad: What if you fall asleep?
Puppy: I didn’t think of that! Whaaat am I going to dooooooo?
Me (to Dad): You have a big mouth.
Grandpa: Have a good trip!
Grandma: Thank you for visiting. Travel safe.
Puppy: Have to stay awake. Have to stay awake. Have to zzzz….

Love, Mom


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Puppy Conversations | Bath versus Phone (Saved by the Bell)

Dear Kid,

Me: Come here, baby.
Puppy: Nope. I’m not here.
Me: Where are you, sweetie?
Puppy: Forget it. I saw the towels and shampoo. Don’t like towels and shampoo.
Me: I have a special treat.
Puppy: No. No. No. N….wow, that smells good. Bad nose!
Me: Would you like a little taste?
Puppy: Well, of course I would. But I don’t want towels and shampooooooo that smells sooo good.
Me: Tastes good too.
Puppy: Betrayed by my nose.


Me: Okay, sweetness, up you go.
Puppy: I knew you were going to pick me up.
Me: And into the sink.
Puppy: Let’s skip this part.
Telephone: Brrrrrrrrringgg!
Me: Down you go.
Puppy: Saved by the bell!

Puppy: I’m wet. Me: And clean. Puppy: I’m really, really wet. Me: And really, really clean. Puppy: I smell like flowers. Me: Lovely. Puppy: Ridiculous. Me: OK. All done. Puppy: Now I have to go lick all my fur. Puppy Conversations. DearKidLoveMom.comMe: Let’s try this again. Into the sink with you.
Puppy: Where’s the phone? Make it ring again!
Me: I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Puppy: Who’s going to rescue me?
Me: Pretty sure you’ve used up your rescues. Into the bath with you.
Puppy: No rubber duckie?


Puppy: I’m wet.
Me: And clean.
Puppy: I’m really, really wet.
Me: And really, really clean. Turns out that fur is supposed to be white.
Puppy: I smell like flowers.
Me: Lovely.
Puppy: Ridiculous.
Me: OK. All done.
Puppy: Now I have to go lick all my fur.


Love, Mom


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