Puppy

Stop The Shedding! | Winter is Coming

Stop The Shedding! | Winter is Coming

Dear Kid,

Dear Puppy,

Take a look at the calendar. Take a look outside. Take a look at all the Pumpkin-Spice everythings.

It is Fall. And after Fall comes (some form of) winter.

Which means temperatures are going to continue to drop.

Puppy: Of course not. Now leave me alone. I have to rip out the squeaker and kill it. DearKidLoveMom.com/PuppyConversationsAnd you will want all that fur you are so, um, elegantly shedding right now.

Look at the squirrels. No, wait. Scratch that. Do NOT look at the squirrels—you’ll just start barking and miss the point.

The point is that if there WERE squirrels in our yard (you don’t need to check), they would be getting ready for winter. If there were squirrels anywhere (I’m sure there aren’t), they’d be out there storing nuts and sewing little squirrel mittens, not modeling bathing suits and shedding extra fur.

You are going to be unhappy if you’re cold. You are going to wish you’d kept your undercoat.

Winter is coming.

And I am not going to collect all that extra fur and glue it back on you.

No matter how pathetically you stare.

Love, Mom

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Mastiffs, Elephants, the Alps, and a Chihuahua

Mastiffs, Elephants, the Alps, and a Chihuahua

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time (or for all I know, two or three times upon a time) Hannibal was getting ready to cross the Alps.

He decided to take soldiers because they fight better than hairdressers (and everyone knew about Sampson) and elephants (because elephants are well-known for enjoying a romp in the snow—not). “Why not take a dog?” said Hannibal’s friend Flavius (Flavius is Latin for “friend who knows nothing but always gives advice”).

“Um, no,” said Hannibal, picturing a Chihuahua (even though Chihuahuas hadn’t been invented yet).

There are lots of types of mastiff; they are all bigger than you. They are also all furrier than you. It’s possible that they eat more than you (not really). They almost certainly drool more than you. I hope. DearKidLoveMom.comThen Flavius (Latin for “friend who occasionally has a reasonably good idea”) showed Hannibal a mastiff (Latin for “freakin’ huge canine”).

“Holy cow!” said Hannibal who was never really good with animals (see: Elephants and Snow [above]).

So mastiffs marched with Hannibal, the elephants, and the soldiers over the Alps.

On the way, they met (and by “met” I don’t mean “met”) other dogs. Eventually, one of the offspring was born with a barrel of whiskey around its neck and Saint Bernards were invented.

After they crossed the Alps, all the mastiffs got together and agreed that Alp-marching wasn’t anything they were interested in doing again. Ever. In fact, they agreed that most forms of work and/or exercise were worth avoiding, a credo they follow to this day. Do not argue with a mastiff about who gets control of the channel changer.

There are lots of types of mastiff; they are all bigger than you. They are also all furrier than you. It’s possible that they eat more than you (not really). They almost certainly drool more than you. I hope.

Like most dogs, mastiffs are very sweet, delightful creatures. Except when they aren’t (like if they’re being asked to cross the Alps). Always ask the mastiff’s person before saying hello to avoid being its mid-day snack.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Perspective on Breakfast

Puppy Perspective on Breakfast

Dear Kid,

Puppy: Scratch me.
Me: You’ll have to wait a few minutes.
Puppy: Scratch me.
Me: I’m busy. You’ll have to wait a few minutes.
Puppy: Scratch me!
Pi: What are you doing?
Me: Apparently, scratching the Puppy.
Puppy: It’s about time…

 

Me: Would you like breakfast?
Puppy: I’d like to play.
Me: You’d what?
Puppy: Play with me!
Me: You never pass up breakfast. You never pass up any kind of food.
Puppy: Time to mix things up a bit, don’t you think?
Me: I was thinking it’s time for breakfast.
Puppy: Throw the fuzzy pig and no one gets hurt!

I have a new pink pig and I LOVE him! DearKidLoveMom.com/PuppyConversations

Me: OK, OK, we’ll play for a few minutes before breakfast. Here, fetch the purple toy.
Puppy: I love the purple toy! I got it! I got it! Here you go! Throw something else.
Me: Fetch the squeaky donut.
Puppy: I love the squeaky donut! I got it! Throw something else.
Me: Now can we have breakfast?
Puppy: Throw. The. Toy!
Me: Fetch the grey rabbit.
Puppy: I love my rabbit! I love my rabbit! Got it!
Me: Well, bring it back, silly.
Puppy: Don’t be ridiculous. I have to chew it for a while.
Me: I’ll be in the kitchen if you decide to have breakfast.
Puppy: Breakfast? I love breakfast! Why have we been waiting so long?

Love, Mom

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Dog Fight, Snoopy, and Parenting

Dog Fight, Snoopy, and Parenting

Dear Kid,

A friend of mine was in a dog fight. Not the cool, imaginary Snoopy and the Red Baron kind. A real, go to the hospital and have a boatload of stitches kind.

Not the cool, imaginary Snoopy and the Red Baron kind of dog fight. DearKidLoveMom.com

The bad part is that the dogs in question are her dogs. And she kept yelling to the ER docs, “I have to go, my dog is hurt!”

My friend (you don’t know her and she lives in a different part of the country) will be fine. Her dogs (generally very sweet loving creatures) will be fine. I’m not at all sure that I will be fine.

The dogs are big and high energy but well behaved. They live happily in a fenced-in yard where they have plenty of room to run and play. They also have neighbors.

Ill-behaved neighborhood boys.

Badly-behaved local hooligans.

Hoodlums.

Ruffians.

Who—not for the first time—came by the back fence and goaded the dogs into fighting.

Who does that?!!!

My friend has spoken to the boys’ parents. More than once. Apparently, the parents are complete and utter twits because they don’t seem to care (at all) that their boys are mistreating animals.

How clueless are these parents???

My friend is going to talk to them again. She thinks maybe now that she’s been so significantly injured the parents might take notice.

YO! Parents: Lawsuit on the horizon!

But it shouldn’t take the threat of legal action to get parents to raise reasonably behaved children.

Argh!

Sending happy healing thoughts to my friend and her dogs. And hopes that the boys’ parents get their act together before too long.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | What Happened to My Grass?

Puppy Conversations | What Happened to My Grass?

Dear Kid,

Puppy Conversations DearKidLoveMom.comPuppy: ?
Puppy: ???
Pi: G’morning. Yawn.
Puppy: ?!!!
Pi: What’s wrong?
Puppy: Where’s my grass?
Pi: Your grass?
Puppy: I need my grass.
Pi: Tell me what happened.
Puppy: Mom and I went outside.
Pi: Uh-huh…
Puppy: And Mom started weeding and I started napping.
Pi: Which must have been very cute.
Puppy: I’m always cute
Pi: True. And I looked out the window and saw you napping near the blueberry bushes using the driveway as a pillow. That was especially cute.
Puppy: I am always especially cute.
Pi: Continue with the story.
Puppy: When I woke up, there was no grass!
Pi: There is still lots of grass.
Puppy: Not where Mom was weeding. It was like she peeled a banana!
Pi: A banana?
Puppy: Only just dirt. No banana.
Pi: We don’t grow many bananas around here.
Puppy: We don’t grow much grass around here anymore either.
Pi: What did Dad say?
Puppy: Something about if it makes her happy it makes him happy.
Pi: Wise man.
Puppy: And then he said, “But no flame throwers.” And Mom said she already thought of that but she didn’t want toasted blueberries.
Pi: You can toast blueberries?
Puppy: The way Mom was going, nothing was safe. Not even me!
Pi: What do you mean, not even you?
Puppy: What if Mom decides to weed me?
Pi: She might brush you, but she’s not going to weed you.
Puppy: Are you sure?
Pi: Quite.
Puppy: So what about my grass?
Pi: I think you’re going to have to make due with what’s left.
Puppy: Don’t you think she’ll rip out more?
Pi: Quite probably. But since she’s doing it by hand, it will be slow going.
Puppy: What does that mean?
Pi: It means the weeds will probably grow back in the first area before she finishes weeding the next area.
Puppy: Does “weeds” mean “grass”?
Pi: In this case, yes.
Puppy: Silly Mommy.
Pi: True. Would you like a snuggle?
Puppy: Does Mom weed?
Pi: Not very effectively. Come here you.

Love, Mom

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The Puppy Takes Over and Writes About Gardening

The Puppy Takes Over and Writes About Gardening

Dear Kid,

Mom has been very busy gardening. That means I get to go outside with her and watch. And nap in the grass which is very nice.

I’ve learned a lot from her.

Did you know that when you’re ripping weeds and grass out of an area where you are going to put down rocks and you find a worm, you say, “Go help the iris” and throw the worm into other plants? Apparently worms aren’t very smart because you say it a lot.

And did you know that when you wander away and Mom chirps, “Puppy, come!” and you go running over with your ears flapping you get a piece of turkey jerky? That’s my favorite part about gardening. DearKidLoveMom.comAnd did you know that when you wander away and Mom chirps, “Puppy, come!” and you go running over with your ears flapping you get a piece of turkey jerky? That’s my favorite part about gardening.

I also like the digging part. Last night when I was digging, Mom looked over and said, “What are you doing?” but she said it in a happy voice so I kept digging. I didn’t find anything so I went back to sniffing which is one of the things I’m VERY good at.

Then Mom dumped the firebowl and she made mud. She dumped it because there was a lot of water in it and she explained that you can’t make fire when there is water in the bowl (which is fine with me because I don’t like fires). She made mud because she isn’t a very good dumper and the water didn’t exactly go where she wanted it to. She said some things in a not so happy voice.

Do you know what Mom says when you play in the mud she just made? It’s not “Go help the iris.” It’s not even the same thing she said when she made the mud. And it’s not in a very happy voice.

And then she said, “Oh, Puppy….” and the next thing I knew I was having a bath.

Love, Mom Puppy

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