Mom Thoughts

Reindeer Boobs

Dear Kid,

Have you heard about this trend? Personally, I’m horrified, but apparently reindeer boob is an accepted thing.

In case you’re not as hip as I am, Allure Magazine says

…reindeer boob entails cutting a hole in your sweater to allow for the flaunting of a boob of your choice and then putting googly eyes, antlers, and a red nose on said boob so it resembles a reindeer. 

Here’s the link if you need more info: https://www.allure.com/story/reindeer-boob

I really couldn’t believe women were really decorating their exposed boobs and going out in public, but sadly I was wrong.

There is absolutely nothing good about this fad. Nothing. Possibly even less than nothing.

Here we are in an era where women are reporting real issues and struggling to be taken seriously, and somehow someone decided it’s acceptable to walk around with a boob hanging out? Imo, it’s tacky and kind of slutty. Just because you’ve added a pasty nose and probably can’t get arrested for indecent exposure doesn’t make it OK.

Not only is it generally not acceptable, it’s even worse when the aforementioned fad participants post photos on social media. Seriously, women, once it’s on the internet, it’s ALWAYS on the internet.

Stick with ugly sweaters and writing letters to Santa.

Love, Mom

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Meet the Meats

Dear Kid,

Rather unexpectedly, I found myself in the middle of a discussion about meat. (For clarity’s sake, by “in the middle of” I mean I was listening to.)

Some people take their meat very seriously... DearKidLoveMom.comTurns out some people take meat very seriously. Especially in some of its less-well-known forms.

The conversation was rolling around on some very shaky skates.

For example, did you know there’s such a thing as trail bologna? ‘Tis true. There was a long discussion (during which I was absolutely silent) about trail bologna and what made trail bologna, well, trail bologna. I (of course) looked this up when I got home and found that none of my friends were correct about the origin of the name. Pay attention:

Trail Bologna is called Trail Bologna because it’s made by Troyer’s Genuine Trail Bologna in the tiny hamlet of Trail in Ohio’s Amish country. (It’s an all-beef ring bologna.)

The conversation then slid sideways, spun the wheel, and landed the topic “meat sweats.” The first time I’d ever heard of the meat sweats was in a Progressive Insurance commercial (you know the one where Flo and all her relatives are sitting around chatting?). I thought it was a made up term. It’s not, although it should be.

Meat sweats” is the mysterious condition whereby, after ingesting a generous helping of meat, you begin to sweat like a fat man in a cake shop. First identified by competitive eaters, for whom the malady is an occupational hazard, the meat sweats are thought to be caused by the combination of adrenaline and protein.

Speaking of things you don’t know about, have you heard of pudgy pies? Of course not because I am a terrible mother and never told you about them. This is because I had never heard of them until this weird food conversation.

Pudgy pies are not pies. They are grilled sandwiches one makes over a campfire in a special little contraption that is sort of but not exactly unlike a waffle iron.

After almost climbing out of the Pit of Doom in which the conversation found itself, the unthinkable happened and we plunged backward into a discussion of loaves of meat. Like ham loaf. There was a detour while we tried to determine exactly where on an animal one might find the “loaf.” The group decided that not even Jeb the Cowhand would know about that particular part of the anatomy.

With that, the conversation gave up and ordered dessert.

Love, Mom

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What You Don’t Know About Old Man Winter

Dear Kid,

What You Don't Know About Old Man Winter DearKidLoveMom.comWinter has arrived. And I’m pretty sure Winter isn’t happy about ending his vacation in Aruba and getting to work.

I say this because it was face freezing, finger numbing, tears streaming cold when I walked the Puppy this morning. And I don’t imagine things will improve any time soon.

Which means it is officially time to dig out the mittens, fluff up the scarves, and don the hats because being cold is not high on my happy list.

The Puppy seems pretty happy about the snow. Until the stuff they use instead of salt to melt the ice gets on his paws. Then he does his best imitation of an abandoned urchin in Oliver! Please Sir, can you clean my paw?

Once I thawed, I started thinking about winter. Why is Winter always Old Many Winter? Why does no one ever talk about Lil’ Baby Winter or The Twins of Winter? Personally, I think The Twins of Winter is perfect since it seems to take twice as long to do things when you have to don enough clothes to transform into the Michelin Man and then travel through ice and snow.

I turned, of course, to My Friend the Internet.

Turns out, just about every culture (and by “just about every culture” I mean at least three) characterize Winter as a Cranky Old Man and Spring as a Sweet Young Thang. The reason for this should be obvious: who wants to look at a Cranky Old Man in a diaphanous gown? Better he should be covered like a department store Santa. And tulips and cranky just don’t go together at all.

Must go thaw.

Love, Mom

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Some Things Are Just Plain Wrong | The Great Nose Crisis

Dear Kid,

There ought to be a law. There should probably be several, but right now I’m talking about one in particular. 

Some issues are things we can agree to have differing opinions on, like whether or not it’s OK to wear white after Labor Day or whether plain or chunky peanut butter is better.

But other things are (or at least should be) obvious. There are things that are just plain Wrong. Things that are not up for discussion or arbitration. Things that should be completely impervious to requests for mercy.

Things that can never be imagined as anything other than Morally Reprehensible. Things that should lead to immediate incarceration. And possibly a great big old fine. 

I speak, of course, of tissues the texture of sandpaper. 

Not all of us look good with a red nose. DearKidLoveMom.comI agree that there are worse things than horrible, cheese-grater-like tissues. Like using poison ivy leaves as a hanky. But overall, getting splinters in your nose from insufficiently processed wood pulp is bad.

Therefore, I say let us wage a war against those who would, with malice aforethought, render our noses redder than necessary.

Looking at you, Rec Center.

That’s right. The gym. The very place I go for health, wellness, and a good sweat foists (yes, I said foists) cardboard Kleenex on its patrons. And while I go to the gym for a bit of self torture, I do not go intending to aim that torture at my schnoz.

Just sayin’. There ought to be a law.

Love, Mom

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Hawaiian Shirts Lead to What?!

Dear Kid,

Happy Friday!

Once upon a time (I do love a story that begins that way), there was no such thing as Casual Friday.

Finally, one day, Mrs. Joe Neanderthal decided that she was tired or wearing formal saber-tooth tiger skins and declared a day off. Unfortunately, Joe Neanderthal took that to mean a day free of clothes and almost froze his whatsis off.

Eventually, people moved from from mammoth fur to power ties and three inch heels. Business attire had arrived.

Meanwhile, in 1966, the Hawaiian shirt industry was trying to sell more brightly decorated shirts (do not try to imagine Mrs. Joe Neanderthal in a Hawaiian shirt), and Aloha Friday was invented. It was a made-up reason for people to wear Hawaiian shirts on Friday (and therefore purchase more Hawaiian shirts).

The trend caught on.

Fast forward to the recession of the early 1990s. The idea of Aloha Fridays migrated to the western states and then continued to march east. Simultaneously, companies were looking for ways to give perks to employees that didn’t cost anything and voila! Casual Fridays.

All of which was fine until people tried to figure out what to wear, and people started showing up at work wearing all kinds of, um, interesting (and by “interesting” I mean way too casual) outfits.

Levi’s had at that point purchased a going-nowhere brand called Dockers which made golf course type khaki pants. In a brilliant marketing move, the Dockers people printed a little brochure showing men what to wear to work on a business casual day. They sent this brochure to HR people who could then show inept dressers how to dress in a more ept way.

These days, almost every day is business casual in the majority of businesses. Yet we still talk about Casual Friday. Let me know if you figure that out. In the meantime, have a great Friday.

Love, Mom

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No Man Is an Island in the Ohio River

Dear Kid,

We were talking about the Ohio River at lunch yesterday.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent. John Donne. DearKidLoveMom.comNMore specifically, we were on a boat (the big kind where there’s neither wind nor destination) cruising on the Ohio River and I was sharing (and by “sharing” I mean inflicting upon people) information about the river.

Person 1: So you’re the resident expert on the Ohio River?
Person 2: Yep.
Person 3: She is.
Person 4: Uh-huh.
Me: Pretty much.
Person 1: It’s made of water.

Don’t you love intellectual conversations?

Person 3: Do you know the name of the island in the Ohio River?
Person 1: …
Person 2: …
Me: There are islands in the Ohio River?

Turns out there are 39 islands in the Ohio River (did you know that? I didn’t.). Some are private; some are federally owned and part of the Ohio River Island National Refuge. Dad knew that part.

The Ohio River Islands National Wildlife Refuge was established in 1990 to protect, conserve, and restore habitat for wildlife native to the river’s floodplain. The refuge consists of twenty-two islands and four mainland tracts scattered along 362 miles of the upper Ohio River. Most of the refuge’s 3440 acres of land and underwater habitat are located in West Virginia; however, Pennsylvania, and Kentucky each have two refuge islands.

Then we had cheesecake and the conversation moved on to sheep.

Love, Mom

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