Did You Know This About Honey and Salt?

Dear Kid,

You know those pesky little expiration dates on food?

Not all food has an expiration date of course. Some food (bananas) don’t have an expiration date because they have a built in notification system. Some food (Twinkies) shouldn’t need an expiration date because no one has lived long enough to see a Twinkie actually go bad.

And some foods (according to a recent article in the Huffington-less Huffington Post) don’t have expiration dates because they never, ever (emphasis on ever) go bad.

According to the article (read it here) the magic 11 are:

  1. Honey
  2. Rice
  3. White Vinegar
  4. Real Vanilla Extract
  5. Salt
  6. Corn Starch
  7. Sugar
  8. Hard Liquor
  9. Dried Beans
  10. Instant Coffee
  11. Maple Syrup

. I mean, how much hard liquor do you need? (Don’t answer that.) DearKidLoveMom.comOf course, what this wonderful list of foods mostly leaves out is, um, food. Granted rice and beans is a Most Excellent source of nutrition, but it’s pretty much the only one.

Rice and sugar may not “go bad,” but you can get bugs. Put a bay leaf in each container to keep the bugs away (seriously).

More importantly, why would you stock up on some of these things? I guess it’s good to know that you won’t have to throw this stuff out, but hopefully you don’t have too much to begin with. I mean, how much hard liquor do you need? (Don’t answer that.)

Love, Mom

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Moving in to a College Dorm By the Numbers

Dear Kid,

The numbers from taking your sister to college yesterday.

Have a good semester! DearKidLoveMom.comSteps to finish packing and load the car: 2,000

Steps walking around in Columbus, Indiana while Dad did Dad things: 2,000

Restaurants we checked out before deciding where to have lunch: 3

Steps unloading the car and unpacking the child: 2,000

Carts needed to take everything up to the room: 3

Steps around Target picking up the last few things we forgot: 48,752

Pairs of shoes she took: 43

Socks in her sock bin: Scientists are inventing new numbers to count that many

Out-of-state tuition: More than the socks

Hugs when we left: Lots and lots

Tears after we left: 0 (really)

Hours spent in the car: 5

Hours I slept in the car: 0

Hours I should have slept: 27

Puppies happy to see us when we got home: 1

Number of kids I miss: 2

Love, Mom

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15 More Reasons NOT To Do the Insanity Workout

Dear Kid,

As I mentioned, your sister is attempting to end my ability to breath by involving me in the insanity workout chaos.

Yesterday, I shared my first 15 Reasons for NOT Doing the Insanity Workout. Since I doubt she’ll buy any of those, here are 15 more.

15 More Reasons for NOT Doing the Insanity Workout. With footnotes.

  1. My dog needs me.
  2. I can't do (fill in the blank) because my cat needs me. Right. Cats never admit to needing anyone.

    I can’t do (fill in the blank) because my cat needs me. Right. Cats never admit to needing anyone.

    My cat needs me.*

  3. It would be an insult to the cupcake I just ate.
  4. It will confuse my fat cells.**
  5. American Ninja Warrior is on TV.***
  6. I’m thinking about re-doing the kitchen and I have to go measure something.
  7. I need to pull weeds.
  8. I need to vacuum.****
  9. I need to take the car in for an oil change.
  10. It’s too early. Or maybe it’s too late.
  11. It’s too hot/cold/humid.
  12. I have to go buy mascara.
  13. My boss is going to call then.*****
  14. It wouldn’t be fair to the millions of people who aren’t doing the insanity workout.

*No one will ever believe that. Cats don’t really need anyone.

**Have you ever seen confused fat cells? Not pretty.

***Also NCIS reruns. VERY important.

****As if.

*****Whenever “then” is.

Any other suggestions?

Love, Mom

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15 Reasons NOT To Do the Insanity Workout

Dear Kid,

Your sister has decided to kill me.

15 Reasons NOT To Do the Insanity Workout DearKidLoveMom.comI know this because she has been doing the insanity workouts this summer and has decided I need to join her in these workouts.

Anything that includes the word “insanity” and is not immediately followed either by the word “chocolate” or “coffee” cannot possibly be good for me.

In order to preserve my sanity, my capacity to breathe, and my ability walk upright, I’ve decided to begin compiling a list of reasons NOT to do the insanity workout.

  1. I have a hangnail.
  2. I don’t have an Insanity Workout outfit.
  3. My eyelashes hurt.
  4. I sprained my eardrum.
  5. I want to be able to work out tomorrow.
  6. “Work. Out.” ‘Nuff said.
  7. I have to cook dinner.
  8. I have to write a blog.
  9. I have to paint the garage.
  10. I have to finish knitting a sweater.
  11. I have to learn how to knit.
  12. I have a date with a pillow.
  13. I need to text someone.
  14. I have to be home in case the political pollsters call.
  15. I’d rather binge out on Oreos.

I don’t think she’ll accept any of those, but a girl’s gotta try.

Love, Mom

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The Best Way to Tackle a To-Do List

Dear Kid,

Happy Weekend!

Is it me, or did this week just fly by? First it was Monday and then—zip!—the week was over.

My new approach to To-Do Lists. DearKidLoveMom.comIn some ways, that was great because it meant I was enjoying what I was doing. In other ways Where Did The Time Go????

It’s amazing how easy it to not get things done when you’re busy. OK, to be fair, it’s easy to not get some things done when I’m not busy. Like cleaning. There is never a good time for me to be cleaning—there is always something much more important. Like sitting. Or breathing.

But when I’m busy, it is ridiculously difficult. I make a list (I love lists). I start working on the list first thing in the morning. By the end of a crazy busy day (in which I think I’ve gotten a lot accomplished), I’m still at the beginning of the list.

I’m starting to think my list-writing pen has bad juju. And, like Sisyphus (remember him?), I am doomed to write the same list over and over and never finish my tasks.

Or maybe I just need to learn to write lists differently. Here is my plan for next week.

  1. Start with a blank sheet of paper.
  2. Write “To Do” at the top.
  3. Solve some kind of problem or finish a task.
  4. Add the aforementioned problem or task to my To-Do list.
  5. Immediately cross it off.
  6. Rinse and repeat.

List completed.


Love, Mom

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7 Things You Need to Know About Fireflies

Dear Kid,

So now that we know it’s summer (as proven by the emergence of lovely lightening bugs), it seems like a good time to talk about them.

Jars. The native habitat of fireflies. 7 Things You Need to Know About Lightening Bugs. DearKidLoveMom.comFirst of all, I should clarify my position on fireflies. They are bugs, and as such have far more than the appropriate number of legs. But they have LIGHTS! So as long as none of them land on me and use my arms as walking paths, we should be OK.

Here’s what you need to know about lightening bugs.

Fireflies’ lights can be yellow, green, or orange. They can’t actually change colors; different varieties of fireflies have different color lights. This isn’t really surprising because there over 2,000 kinds of fireflies.

Fireflies in the western US are energy conscious and don’t light up.

Which is unfortunate because lightening bugs are really pretty (read about that here) and their light is – wait for it – the most efficient light in the world. Nearly 100% of the energy in the chemical reaction that makes them light up is converted to light. (Incandescent bulbs only emit 10% of their energy as light; fluorescent bulbs emit 90% of their energy as light.)

Each species has their own flashing pattern designed specifically to attract females for a little nooky.

Mating is important because adult fireflies only live long enough to mate and lay eggs (no time for cuddling). The larvae live about a year (until mating season). Rinse and repeat.

Lightening bug larvae are carnivorous. When they have a choice, they generally order snails from room service.

Fireflies are disappearing due to pharmaceutical harvesting, light pollution, and habitat destruction. If there is a field or area where fireflies live and it gets destroyed or paved, lightening bugs don’t migrate, they just disappear – poof! – forever.

Which is sad. Because how will we know it’s summer?

Love, Mom

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