Rabbits and Rubber Bands

Dear Kid,

Once again, the proper authorities have failed to consult me.

You know how rabbits are generally considered to be the best symbol of fertility and reproductive efficiency?

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Rabbits are quite prolific little dudes. But they are nothing compared to rubber bands.

Rubber bands in the wild. DearKidLoveMom.comTo prove this, I voyaged into the wilds of our kitchen drawers to view the rubber bands in their natural environment.

Like most infestations, they’d wormed their way into some of the deepest, darkest corners and underneath all sorts of useful objects.

When I told Daddy I was going to declare open season on the R. B.s, he was not impressed. “We don’t have that many,” he told me.

I donned protective gear, left word with the station manager as to my coordinates, and dove in.

I scooped up a pile of rubber bands and put them on the counter.

“See?” said Daddy, “it’s not that many.”

“It’s an entire handful. More importantly, it’s just the first handful.”

I took a deep breath and dove back down to retrieve more.

And more.

And more. And more.

By the time we’d finally found most of the varmints who’d taken up residency in the kitchen, the pile was six or seven feet tall. And it was growing as we watched. Clearly, rubber bands have no need for privacy.

I pinned Dad with a Stare. A severe Stare. A Stare meant to convey the enormity of the rubber band problem.

“Whaaaat?” was his comment.

“Deal with it,” was mine.

I’m still waiting. Which worries me since (according to my calculations) the rubber bands will have taken control of our entire living space by next Tuesday.

Love, Mom

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Five Ways to Tell Your Sweetie Still Loves You

Dear Kid,

Five Ways to Tell Your Sweetie Still Loves You DearKidLoveMom.comFive ways to tell your Sweetie loves you.

5. When you seriously oversleep on a weekday, he calmly agrees to walk the Puppy even though it’s your job.

4. He’s learned to say “nice shoes” even though he has no idea why he’s saying it.

3. He only rolls his eyes a little when you buy a new bird feeder and throw out the horrible “perfectly fine” old one.

2. He comes home between events just to give you a kiss on the forehead.

1. On a Saturday morning, he lets you sleep in even though you’d talked about going someplace together and then—the man who requires a banana every morning with his breakfast—leaves you half of the last banana.

The husband-person is a good man.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Gets Upset with The State of Things and Other Problems

Dear Kid,

Mom went upstairs for a bit and I’ve taken over the computer.

Puppy Gets Upset with The State of Things and Other Problems DearKidLoveMom.comWe have A Problem and I think you need to get involved.

Are you paying attention? Because this is a Big Issue. I’ve tried my best to solve it, but I am only a puppy and I don’t seem to be able to convince her We Have Problems.

Earlier today, People walked by in the street. I barked and barked and all Mom said was, “Shhh.” She didn’t investigate, she didn’t call the police, she didn’t Do Anything.

Then there was a chipmunk in the garage. I sniffed and snorted and pointed and showed her exactly were the rodent hiding spaces are and do you know what she said? Do you know? She said (and I’m quoting her exactly here), “Into the house with you.” Into the house with me? Without addressing the interloper issues?

This is—in my expert opinion—irresponsible house ownership. Something must be done. The keys must be taken. The authorities must be alerted! We cannot have Strangers Walking By without sufficient alarm systems. We cannot have animals living here that don’t pay rent.

(Pi: You don’t pay rent.
(Puppy: I don’t?
(Pi: Nope.)

We cannot have animals living here that don’t have a collar and their own crate!

Please fix this Situation!

She’s your mother.

Love, Puppy

Puppy Writes Today’s Letter While Mom Sleeps

Puppy Writes Today’s Blog

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Adventures Traveling Home (Part II)

Dear Kid,

So there we were. Just east of Buffalo, NY, with a broken ABS and instructions not to shift into park under any circumstances.

On we drove (sans cruise control) until it was time to stop for a driver shift. Dad dropped me off close to the restroom (surprise) and he and the Puppy drove over to the grassy side of the parking lot. Where he put the car in park. Sigh.

We fed the dog, stretched our muscles, and climbed back into the vehicle ready to do battle with the gear shift.

Amazingly, no problem. I shifted right into drive. “Hey, look at that! No dashboard lights! And cruise control works!” I was a happy camper.

On we drove.

Until we hit traffic outside of Cleveland.

We slowed to a crawl. Not a toddler scooting to the other side of room crawl. A really, really slow crawl. Think sleeping snail crawl. DearKidLoveMom.comWe slowed to a crawl. Not a toddler scooting to the other side of room crawl. A really, really slow crawl. Think sleeping snail crawl.

Eventually, and by “eventually” I mean about 6 weeks later, construction ended and we went back to driving at a reasonable speed.

Dad was in the passenger seat, working on his computer, the Puppy was curled up on the backseat pretending he wasn’t napping, and I was driving. When


I gasped.

“WHAT DID YOU DO???!!!” yelled Dad.

“What happened?” said the Puppy.

“I didn’t DO anything,” I snarled.

“What happened?” said the Puppy (again).

A deer had some running from the left and at an angle to headbutt the side of our car. I really, really hope Bambi is ok. That ruminant is going to have one heck of a headache. (Note: Our car is fine. It doesn’t have a headache.)

A mere 10 hours after we’d begun our journey we made it home.

Where I promptly broke a glass dish, because that had to be done and we had nothing to do other than clean it up.

It was a long day. But, like most days, had the decency to end at midnight.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Puppy Visits Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Kid,

Puppy Conversations. Grandpa! It was horrible!
Grandpa: Oh, dear. Would you like to tell me about it?
Puppy: Of course. That’s why I’m sitting in your lap.
Grandpa: What happened?
Puppy: First there was a bath.
Grandpa: And you don’t like baths.
Puppy: I was very, very wet.
Grandpa: Would you like to know a secret?
Puppy: What?
Grandpa: I took a shower today too.
Puppy: Mommy put you in the sink?!
Grandpa: Not exactly.


Puppy: Grandma! I came to visit you!
Grandma: I’m so glad you’re here.
Puppy: Where are the treats?
Grandma: Treats?
Puppy: Grandmas are supposed to have treats.
Grandma: You’ll have to talk to your Mommy about that.
Puppy: What?! This is very disappointing.
Grandma: Sorry to disappoint you.
Puppy: It would be less disappointing if you scratch. Right. There.


Puppy: There was peanut butter this morning.
Grandpa: I thought you like peanut butter.
Puppy: I LOVE peanut butter.
Grandpa: I think I’m missing something.
Puppy: There was medicine in the peanut butter.
Grandpa: Did you take your medicine?
Puppy: Well, it was peanut butter.
Grandpa: You’re a good boy.


Puppy: Then we went for a ride in the car.
Grandpa: You like the car.
Puppy: And it was a really, really long drive.
Grandpa: But you like to be in the car.
Puppy: At first there wasn’t any sleep in the car.
Grandpa: Did you want to sleep?
Puppy: I had a very important job looking out the window.
Grandpa: And then what happened?
Puppy: I slept.
Grandpa: Is that bad?
Puppy: I don’t know. I was asleep.
Grandpa: And now you’re here.
Puppy: I like that part.
Grandpa: And we like having you here.
Puppy: Will you scratch my tummy?
Grandpa: I think we can arrange that.
Puppy: Happy me.

Me: Come on, Puppy, time to go home.
Puppy: What? This is terrible.
Grandpa: But you like home.
Puppy: But now I like here.
Grandma: Maybe you’ll come to visit again sometime.
Puppy: But I don’t want to leave you. I just got used to being here.
Grandpa: What if you tell us all about the trip when you get home.
Puppy: I can do that?
Grandma: Certainly. We love to hear about your adventures.
Puppy: That might be OK.
Me: Into the car, please.
Puppy: I have a job.
Me: You do?
Puppy: To tell Grandma and Grandpa all about our trip.
Me: That sounds very important.
Dad: What if you fall asleep?
Puppy: I didn’t think of that! Whaaat am I going to dooooooo?
Me (to Dad): You have a big mouth.
Grandpa: Have a good trip!
Grandma: Thank you for visiting. Travel safe.
Puppy: Have to stay awake. Have to stay awake. Have to zzzz….

Love, Mom


Who do you know who would enjoy Puppy Conversations? Share the love
See more puppy conversations

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The Numbers Don’t Always Tell the Story | Wasps on the Porch

Dear Kid,

According to National Safety Council, the odds of dying from a bee (or hornet or wasp) sting are 1 in 64,706.

According to the Certainty of Mom, the odds of me freaking out when a bee (or hornet or wasp) appears in our home are DUH!

For reasons that escape me entirely, wasps like visiting our back porch during the spring. Apparently, they like it so much some of them have decided to take the fall tour as well.

You will not be surprised to learn that I have not volunteered as tour guide. Nor have I laid out the welcome mat.

Instead, I escape the porch as quickly as possible, close the door with an elegant and ladylike slam, and with delicate, dulcet tones bellow for your father to Do Something!!!

Sometimes he does. More frequently he says something totally ludicrous like, “Where? I don’t see any wasps.” Or “You can take care of the wasp yourself.”

Yeah, right. As if.

I think the National Safety Council should spend less time counting bee stings and more time figuring out how to keep our porch insect-free.

Love, Mom

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