Dear Kid,

You know how sometimes life can be confusing? You don’t know whether you’re coming or going or which way is up. While I can’t solve all the problems in The Universe, I can help with one of the biggest challenges: figuring out whether you’re on a cruise.

1. The comedians all get way too much mileage out of the phrase “drink package.”
2. There are signs reminding you that the fish woven into the carpeting are swimming to the front of the boat.
3. The room is swaying and you haven’t yet begun taking advantage of the “drink package.”
4. No one ever says, “Why isn’t there any food available?”
5. The towels take it upon themselves to show up in animal form. (Just wait–there’s more coming about towel animals.)
6. Booze (in all forms) is far more plentiful than water (see “drink package”).
7. You can (and do) eat six desserts (at breakfast) and no one blinks.

Love, Mom