Dear Kid,

I know you’ve been worrying, so I want to reassure you (I’m just that kind of mom). Here are 5 Things I Won’t Be Doing Any Time Soon.

Competing in a Body Building Contest. Turns out that the hottest trend in competitive body building is the over 50 category. While I qualify in terms of age, I don’t have any real desire to become a body builder. Certainly not a competitive one. My top three reasons are 1. My legs aren’t long enough and this is one of those sports (sports? Hmmm…) where competitors do better if they have legs for days. 2. I’m not sure about getting a spray tan the color of our couches. 3. I can’t imagine doing enough reps to be strong enough to hold up the fake eyelashes. (Not having strong enough eyelids is also why I’m not a celebrity chef–have you SEEN photos of Paula Deen?)

Buying you a motion-sensitive guitar pick. It’s called The Firefly and it emits LED light when you strum. There are several varieties. You aren’t getting any of them.

Buying Twinkies. I know they’re back. I know that lots of people think that’s a big deal. But I didn’t buy them before they went away and came back and I see no reason to change that particular behavior.

Raising a Monkey. There was an article in the paper about Monkey College where they teach Capuchin monkeys to assist people with disabilities. We know about the amazing things animals can do to help people but these monkeys are incredible. I’d love to find out about being a monkey raiser, but I’m pretty sure you have to live in the Boston area and I’m pretty sure Dad would object. Video provided for your viewing pleasure.

Walking on hot coals. I know people say it is a wonderful experience. I think there are plenty of wonderful experiences that don’t put pinkie toes and pedicures at risk.

and one to grow on…

Giving up my library card. Libraries are great places. More about that tomorrow. Or sometime this week. Probably.

What don’t you plan to do any time soon?

Love, Mom