Dear Kid,

While the Puppy was washing my face, I had an incredible idea.

You know how we have all sorts of service animals? (Seriously—there are service dogs, service parrots, service pigs, service cats, service monkeys, service horses and ponies, and – I kid you not – even a service boa constrictor.) I think we should have service elephants.

Have you’ve seen the videos of elephants that want to be lap elephants? (If not, go search; I’ll wait.) Cute, right?

Obviously, service elephants would be great for helping people with all sorts of disorders and needs.

Then I thought, Wait! (So I waited.) What if we went beyond service elephants? What if we trained Secret Service Elephants (SSEs)?

How great would that be?

5 reasons we should have Secret Service Elephants You won't believe #4!Think about it. Here are 5 reasons we should have Secret Service Elephants:

  1. It will only cost peanuts to feed them.
  2. Elephants are tall; they can see over crowds without any problem.
  3. Elephants can lift people onto their back with their trunk. So if the protectee is in danger, elevator up.
  4. Elephants can easily run 15 mph, which is pretty fast (assuming you’re running more than a few meters).
  5. Elephants won’t need to carry guns; they can just stomp on the bad guys.

It’s hard to believe no one consults me about these things.

Love, Mom