Dear Kid,

Did you know there’s a committee that reviews new emojis? I had no idea they required approval, but it turns out they do.

So Committee for Reviewing Appropriate Pics (yes, I made it up, but it’s a great acronym—take a moment to figure it out) meets and thinks about which emojis the world cannot, simply cannot, live without.

What emojis are they considering? The almond. Half a coconut. A pie.

And it gets better. A mermaid. A climber. A person meditating. And a woman breastfeeding.

Emojis being considered. Seriously? Who needs a half coconut emoji? These ideas are clearly better.

Emojis being considered. Seriously? Who needs a half coconut emoji?

“Emoji” means pictograph and has nothing to do with the word “emotion” which is good because almonds are not known for being emotional.

Seems to me the committee could use some guidance (seriously, who needs a half coconut emoji?). So, being the kind of mom I am, I have put together a list of suggested emojis which will clearly improve the world as we know it.

  1. Attacking Squirrel – This is a picture of a squirrel that has (somehow) made its way to the birdfeeder and has caused someone (like your father) to go into a paroxysm of the explosive and squirrel-defying nature. Two in a row mean “call an ambulance.”
  2. Empty Coffee Cup – Related to the sad emoji, this is a warning symbol to let everyone know that someone’s caffeine intake has been insufficient and they can choose to argue at their own risk.
  3. Shoe Sale – A type of call to arms (for shoppers) mixed with a warning to Get The Heck Off The Interstate If You Aren’t Going Shoe Shopping.
  4. Burned Dinner Warning – In the shape of a pizza or other takeout.
  5. Explosive Diaper – Related to rock-scissor-paper-lizard-Spock (extra points if you get the reference), this is a game for new parents when the baby has been overly enthusiastic about using his or her diaper.
  6. Sink Full of Dishes – Easily interpreted as “I cooked; you clean.”
  7. Broken Telephone – Signaling telemarketers and election pollsters.
  8. Disastrous Breakup – Clear communication that the receiver’s job is to agree with everything the sender says no matter how ridiculous or contradictory. And to bring ice cream (don’t bother with bowls).
  9. Smudged Nail Polish – Meaning, I’m about to polish my nails so expect a lot of misspellings because not messing up the polish is more important than grammar. Can also mean, someone just caused me to smudge my polish and I am obviously therefore about to commit murder.
  10. Whoop Joyous – The election is over. Let the post-election nonsense begin. Also a signal to late-night comedians that they will actually have to work to find something to talk about.

Seriously, I do not understand why more people don’t consult me about such things.

Love, Mom